Bill Collectors

I owed money on a couple of credit cards, The bill collectors started calling. They would call a couple of times a day, everyday. The first couple of weeks. I was like “really, is that all you got!!!!? “Your going to “call me to death, hahaha!” How stupid could these bill collectors be “I recognize your phone numbers, DUH”, I can just “decline your calls, what assholes!” 
After three weeks of constant calls at different times of the day. I think there getting to me. No really, Its torture. I’m losing my mind. They won’t stop calling! Two different collection companies. Calling three or four times a day each. Its getting to me. Why are they doing this to me? I’m was only a month behind damn it. At this point, I’d rather owe money to the Mob. Jeez, I wish they would just break my thumbs already. Why won’t you come out from whatever midwestern shit town your calling from, Mr. Collector and hit me in the knee caps with a bat, please, I welcome it. JUST STOP CALLING DAMN IT!!!!! I promise I’m going to give you the money as soon as I get it!!!!

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Who would survive an Apocalypse?

If I had to pick one group of people to survive an apocalypse, zombies or vampires taking over the world. I’d have to say it would  be comedians. Comedians leave the only family and friends they’ve ever known behind to move to strange places and start all over again. Comedians live like prisoners cohabiting in tiny spaces with no possessions. Comedians can survive on very little food or money. Comedians are used to begging, groveling, rejection, losing and misery. Comedians can find drugs or alcohol anywhere. Comedians can unite and motivate large groups of strangers to follow their ideas and beliefs. Last but not least comedians will fuck almost anything to insure the continuance of the human race. For one sole purpose of returning civilization to a familiar place so we can put on a show damn it! 

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The Shakespeare Cop

I was a Cop and I was also an actor. I wanted to do theatre, but I couldn’t lose my regional dialect. I even hired a speech coach. After three lessons, the coach gave me my money back. She said I wasn’t practicing enough. I said “I practice when Im at home, but I talk like thisssss when I’m at work”. Im a Cop, I can’t be reading perps their rights like, You havith, the right to voice not, any uttered inference, may cause you harm as the ides of march are upon us!!!!

 

 

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The Wrong Crowd

 

Every time I locked up a juvie,

I’d get the same song & dance from the parent/s

Mother- my son is mixed up with the wrong crowd,

Me- your son’s street name is SATANA,  he is the leader of Los Hijos de Satana, which technically makes you the gangs matriarch.

Watch out for the little ones. The ones that look 11, 12, 13 with the baby faces,

those are the ones that will rob you at gun point.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a victim say,

“I didn’t think anything of it, because they looked so young, they looked like little kids”

Unsupervised little kids. Children with parents who don’t give a fuck, 

or parents who have to work so much, they can’t watch their kids properly.

Children need attention,

They crave eye contact, they need someone to listen to them, they need someone to talk to them, even when their not listening,

One time I locked up a sixteen year old boy for a robbery. He wrote me a confession, that was barely legible.

His penmanship and spelling were so bad, it was comical.

One could laugh about it all day, or one could cry & pray, because it’s so sad.

Guess what his mother did for a living?

If you guessed she’s a school teacher, I owe you a drink.

I never asked her WTF, it wasn’t my place.

Are their kids, that have attentive parents that still act up, still get hooked on drugs, still cut school,

get mixed up with the wrong crowd, absolutely. But as long as those kids have a soft place to land they always have hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Then and Now

When I worked. I was very productive. I used to get so much done everyday.

I would work an eight-hour tour, do a couple of hours overtime, coach my sons baseball team, then do comedy at night.

I did all that, four, five days a week.

Now that I’m retired, if I have ONE thing to do the next day.

It drains me physically, thinking about it the night before.

Like, if I have to go to the bank tomorrow, Ill spend tonight torturing myself

Thinking, “Oh man, what am I going to do?

I gotta get up!  “I’m going to have to get dressed, take a shower, I’m going to have to walk the dog, take the car out”,

It’s a whole thing.

and I figured out why I’m like this, 

 it’s because when I was working, I used to take care of all my personal stuff on job time.

There is no better feeling,

than taking care of personal stuff on job time,

Have you ever gone to a doctors appointment on job time?

It’s orgasmic, because your winning!

Everybody in the waiting room has a puss on, their checking their watches,

your sitting there reading Better Homes & Gardens, you live in an apartment, what do you know about homes with gardens, you’ve never been out of the city in your whole life, but your reading Better Homes & Gardens, like a champ! who’s better than you?

 The bank, the Post Office, CVS, Have you ever returned something to a department store on job time, WoW, OMG, now your cooking with crisco.

It’s the day after Christmas, the longest lines of the year, who cares, your getting paid!

Your playing Candy Crush, in a great mood,  your chatty,

“did I hear you say you grabbed the wrong size, go change it, No, it’s fine I’ll watch your place in line, just go, I insist.

The only thing better than doing personal stuff on job time is what?

Doing personal stuff on overtime!!!

Doing personal stuff on overtime, is like having a second piece of pie, so good its a sin, you haven’t lived until until you get a free haircut while making $59.00 an hour?

It’s better than sex,

I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.

Ah, the good old days :(

 

 

 

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Stop, Question and Frisk

Stop_and_Frisk

I never liked frisking people. Think about it, you can’t frisk a girl.

Female Officers frisk females. 

I don’t want to be feeling up another man’s torso or touching him around his junk,

You know what, if you have a gun down there, just shoot me please!

and it’s gotta suck getting frisked too.

you feel humiliated and harassed.

and think about this,

there are over 30, 000 NYC Police Officer

there has to be at least one

aggressive gay Cop,

driving around in the police cruiser with his partner saying,

“OMG he’s cute, pull over and hand me the gloves, I’m going to check for a suspicious package”

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The Blue Magnet

nypdshirt

The NYPD Uniform is known as the “Blue Magnet” because it attracts bullets, psychos and chicks.

You have to watch out for the chicks, they’ll kill you.

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